


Forgive & Forget

by madibot



Category: Vinesauce (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, Angst, Another Light, Joel (Vinesauce) - Freeform, M/M, Songfic, Vinesauce, Vinny (Vinesauce) - Freeform, implied self harm, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 18:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13664319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madibot/pseuds/madibot
Summary: Desperate for closure to a past relationship gone wrong, Vinny meets up with an ex lover.





	Forgive & Forget

I tiredly walked down the softly lit streets one warm dusk in the spring, making my way home before nightfall. The slight breeze rustling the leaves on the green trees that dotted the city streets signaled that the winter season had been vanquished. As I made my way to my place, I began to randomly think back on my past relationships. I’m not sure why, really—maybe some funny thing had passed into my peripheral vision, reminding me of an old joke I used to tell my friend or perhaps a date I once went on with an ex lover. But, unfortunately, I was reminded of something less pleasant than either of those.

A few years back, I had been apart of an internet community that I started. Towards the end, my leadership diminished, as it was hardly necessary for me to be at the head of it. I didn’t even really want to be in charge as I got older, anyway. Into my early 30s I had little to no interest in any of that. But it was through that little piece of the internet that I had met a very peculiar man named Joel.

I knew Joel for many years, and we became close because of the community we built. Sure, there were other people involved that were equally as important to it as we were. But fate had it that we became the most prominent members that were associated with the site.

We were more than coworkers. Years went on and we just became better friends, sometimes using each other as a shoulder to cry on or more commonly, someone to just hang out with. 

I cringed as I remembered how it became something more. 

Joel was a funny guy. You could never really tell with him, but I knew that he had a way of getting what he wanted. He just knew how to push your buttons, and soon you’d be bent to his will. He began to subtly flirt with me, he made me feel really special. I’m usually not a very affectionate person, but he brought it out of me. Soon enough, I was tied around his finger, and we went out for awhile.

I’m not ashamed of that much. But it was after we made things official that I saw a side of him I hadn’t even realized existed. He drank a lot more than I thought he did, and he asked me to do it with him over Skype. He’d sleep so little that I was concerned about his wellbeing, but he seemed to cast all this aside. He laughed it off and took another shot.

Instead of trying to get help, like I begged him to constantly, he’d change the subject or try to convince me to do it with him. It hurt, honestly, and I started to think that he got together with me just to do this stuff.

But underneath all that, I think there really was a great guy. I knew there was. But damn, I don’t know why, but he made it hard to see that. I think it was fueled by self hatred in the end; he thought he was better off a drunk than to be himself. I could never be for sure, though.

At some point, I’d had enough of it. I told him to leave me alone, and he did. I was relieved. I spent some time alone, trying to get over all the stuff he’d put me through. A little bit of me worried about him, but overall, I was at peace. Last I had heard from him, he was gonna try to lay off the drinks.

But it didn’t last long. I’d gotten a phone call from someone that he had gotten drunk and hurt himself pretty bad after I broke up with him. And it was my fucking fault. I fucking hurt him, and it broke me.

I’d struggled with depression before, but after that things got a lot worse for me. I tried to call him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, and that he didn’t have to hurt himself, but it went to voicemail.

I got a message a few days later telling me he was getting professional help. And ever since then, I’ve been left here in the dark, trying to forget about him. But I still think about how I was told that he’d self harmed. I wondered about how he did it, what kind of stuff was going through his mind. It honest to God made me sick to think about, but I couldn’t stop those terrible, dirty thoughts from clouding my head.

Eventually I had learned to accept that he was doing better now, and that he was going to be okay without me—at least, that’s what I had to convince myself to stay sane. I had to forgive him and forget about it, as impossible as it seemed.

At first the days dragged on, but now, it’s been five years since then. I’m approaching my forties, and I’m still streaming as my job, but no longer with that community. After what happened to Joel, I couldn’t bring myself to do it under that name. It reminded me too much of him.

As the unbearable thoughts about Joel died down, I made it into my small home. Hasn’t changed much over the years. 

I got hit with another memory of Joel. He flew in from Sweden a few times to see me, and most of the time we’d play video games together on the couch. He was always better than me at them, but that’s not why we played them, of course. Still pissed me off, sometimes. But again, aside the point.

I pushed that out of my mind as well as I started to cook dinner. Couldn’t help but think about how Joel was a great cook. He made a damn good pizza.

At this point, I’d accepted that I was looking at another day of thinking about him. I sighed and finished up dinner, hazily wishing he was eating with me. “The fucks gotten into me?” I shouted, aloud, alone in my kitchen. I struggled to stay calm as I cleaned off my plate.

Everywhere I looked, I saw Joel. I had no idea what it was, but it was like he was hiding behind every piece of furniture or behind every door. I tried to close my eyes, but there he was again. 

I checked the time. I usually start to stream in about an hour. I decided to take an unexpected break tonight. I hopped into bed, praying that I wouldn’t see Joel in my dreams.

~

I woke up the next morning feeling much more at ease. Maybe I’d gotten my head so caught up in him because of a lack of sleep, or something. Regardless, I was just glad he wasn’t on my mind. I got up and stretched, a brief yawn escaping my mouth. I sat down at my computer, rubbing my eyes as I checked what little social media I was interested in.

It was then that I saw a Discord notification that had shown up sometime while I was asleep, and had been waiting for me since. I checked it without really thinking about it.

It was from Joel.

He hasn’t messaged me for 5 years. I could still see our previous messages from the breakup. 

Joel explained that he was feeling much better, and was back to living on his own. He even said he was ready to start streaming again. But more importantly, he wanted to see me. In fact, he was waiting for me, just a block away from my apartment. He’d flown in yesterday, all just to see me.

The mixed wave of emotions I felt was indescribable. I had no idea what to say. I had never expected to see him again, let alone right after I’d spent all of the previous evening thinking of him nonstop. It was unreal, borderline impossible given the circumstances.

But I couldn’t help but feel happy. Happy because I had really wanted him back, despite everything. When I heard he’d hurt himself, I lost a part of myself. Maybe if he was back in my life, I’d feel like my own person again...

I hesitated. In my heart, my decision was made. However, the rational part of my brain still needed a minute to think. Was it really a great idea to see him again? After all of the shit that happened? What if he doesn’t love me anymore?

No. That couldn’t be true.

I immediately began to reply. I was happy to see him pop online instantly, telling me that he’d meet me outside of my place in a few hours. I got ready, with a sense of excitement and dread making my heart flutter.

I heard the doorbell ring awhile later. I’d gotten dressed in some decent, yet casual, clothing. Nothing fancy, of course. But I didn’t want him to see me looking like a jabroni. As I got up to answer the door, I couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of regret weighing me down. But it was too late to back out now.

I opened the door, and saw his face for the first time in five years. His hair was still long, and his scruffy facial hair covered his upper lip and chin. His eyes, God, his eyes, were still as deep and gorgeous as they always were. I stared at him, quickly reminded of my infatuation with him as I was all that time ago. It felt like he had stepped out of the past to give me a visit.

Joel grinned with delight. “Well, hello there.” He spoke with a Swedish accent that was a joy just to hear. “So, you want to go through the usual mushy gushy ‘how-ya-been’ bullshit, or do you wanna have some fun?”

“W-Well, yeah, let’s do something fun! What sounds good to you?” I asked, shaking a bit from how nervous I was.

Joel noticed how I wasn’t at ease. “You look like you’re gonna puke. How am I gonna take you out like that?” He brushed past me and sat down on his couch. “Let’s just chill here.”

A silent moment passed. “Alright.” I said in a quiet tone. As I went back into the house, I was a bit disappointed that I let myself come off as so uneasy. “You know... you haven’t changed a bit.” I said, sitting down next to him. 

Joel smiled. “Well, yeah! Still the same old Joel.” Suddenly, he sounded somewhat absent. I didn’t think too much of it.

“So, you want to watch a movie? I have Blade Runner on DVD, and—“

Joel was staring off into space it seemed. I don’t even think he heard me.

“...Joel? Are you okay?” I asked, still strangely quiet.

“I’ve got an idea, Vin.” He said with a smirk. “You wanna take the edge off?” He said, suddenly getting up and making his way into my kitchen. It suddenly set in what he was planning.

“J-Joel? What the fuck are you-... you’re not planning on drinking, are you?”

He instantly found what little alcohol I kept in my house. “Just a bit. Not much, don’t worry”.

“That’s not... th-that’s not... what the fuck?” I asked with a frustrated sigh. I felt angry, and betrayed. “You spend five years getting better, and you’re just gonna throw it away?”

Joel suddenly got defensive. “Chill the fuck out, alright? I’m trying to help you.”

I stood up. “I can’t believe you. Tell me you’re fucking kidding, please, or I’m gonna lose it.” My voice was shaking. I couldn’t accept that he was so willing to go back to how he was.

Joel stood, facing me, not blinking. His jaw was locked in place, as his mind stewed for a retaliation. But it seemed he had none.

“You’re mad that I haven’t changed? You—You’re still the same, sad, worthless guy you were half a fucking decade ago, man. Get over yourself...” He quivered. “...and have a fucking shot or two with me, yeah?”

Both of us stood, regretting meeting up for different reasons. 

“I was right, Joel.” I said with a strange calm in my voice.

“You really haven’t changed a bit.”

Joel scoffed. “Fuck you, Vinny. Enjoy that stick up your ass.”

And with that, he left. He took with him any hope of another start for us. 

I didn’t move for quite awhile after that. My door was still open a crack. I wasn’t certain what to do. I could barely even process what had happened.

~

Needless to say, I was shaken up for the next few days. I didn’t know if Joel was back in Sweden yet, or if he was wasted out of his goddamn mind, wandering the New York streets. Soon enough he’ll have to pick himself up off the cold, hard floor and get back in touch with reality—but that’s up to him, of course. I wasn’t about to make it my problem.

I don’t think I cared as much this time around. Something about our meet up changed how I saw him. I’ve gotten over my broken heart, and now? I just feel bad for him. Maybe someday he’d be better off, maybe finally lay off the alcohol. I doubt it. I gave him five years and he came back to me the same drunk he was before. I was no longer eager to have him back. So in a way, I’m glad I got to see him again. But not in the way I’d imagined. I realized just how much of a sorry ass he’d always been.

In a lot of ways, I bet he feels the same way about me. He never did find what he was looking for in me, which I now assume was just some guy he hoped would drink with him to justify his shitty life decisions. If that’s what he was living for, then I guess he’s gonna have to get over that disappointment. We both will.

I’m not interested in forgiving him. What happened wasn’t my fault, and I’ve realized that now. Maybe I won’t ever forgive him, but for my own sake, I have to forget him.


End file.
